Today I went to the city and ran all over the place. I finally bought a ring with the pentagram on it and was sooo happy. I was bummed tho because i saw the most beautiful symbol of a pentagram surounded by the phases of the moon on a necklace. It was perfect, i had to have it. But the thing was thirty dollars and me have no moneys :(. Ah well, but anyway, we went over to Barns & Nobles after that. Heres the thing, I was walking up to the New Age section when I saw the worker who had checked me out at the cash register last time when I had bought Wiccan Beliefs & Practices by Gary Cantrell. The dude had been nice to me that day until he saw the book I had wanted to buy. Anyway, this time as he passed he asked me and my best friend Blaze if he coudl help us and IM thinking, "Cool, hes not going to be judgemental this time" and im like "No thanks dude, I know exactly what I want" and I kept walking and as he passes me he goes, "Good faggot" And I almost flipped, I turned and said really loud, "Excuuuuse me!?" But he was gone. me and my freind just kept walking after that.

*shakes head* I dont know, Wicca is soooooo worth it but this is getting old very fast. People always being judged because of their way of life....ill have to do something about it later in life. Maybe become a public speaker. Anyway, and Blazes girl friend, (Who is also Wiccan) was told she was demonic by a dude with a bible at another book store! When will it end!?!?!?

I will never give up Wicca, never. No matter how hard these guys try I will never give it up. Im free now, im happy, and Im alive. No one is takign that away from me.

Ok, yesterday my best friend got to talk to his girl friend whom I had told about my being Wiccan, she wanted to know and asked me many times so I told her. (I told her like a week ago) and she loved it, she really took it to heart and has became Wiccan also. Thing is, her parents are just as bad as mine in this area. When her mom found out she called her "evil" and "witch" and...made her cry something bad. It made me mad...but for some reason it didn't over power me. Ive almost always been ruled by my anger, now...its like I know its there..but its not over powering. Anyway, we calmed her down and we all felt bad but for some reason I was still ok. In the back of my head I knew once she realizes its all worth it she will be ok. And today im going to call her and see how she is. But really...I thought we were over this "EVIL!" thing...gah.

I was walking with my father the other day for the first time in a long time. We talked wonderfully but then the convo turned to how some dude who worked with him, the job was cutting trees. I almost stopped walking, I had no desire to further the convo. They cleared a whole lot full of trees...I was soo sad. Why are all these forms of life so....easy to undermind? They are alive...they are...

I just realized something, I CAN SLEEP!! Im sorry, that must sound so wierd but, its a big thing. Ive never been able to sleep well, i could sleep for however many hours and it would still feel like I never slept at all! GRRR! Well...I just realized ive been slowly through the days feeling like ive gotten more sleep. I told my friend and he said, "So I don't have to deal with you being grumpy no more?" We laughed then he said seriously, "Something about you has changed drastically, a big decision and it's aparently for the good. Your getting more REM sleep."

I had "Wicca" in my mind way before I started thinking what that good drastic change could be. My Lord and Lady send me such blessings every day...*sigh* Bababababa! Im lovin it! Hehe.

Also, heres a little backround that I feel should bother me..but for some reason..I feel like I shouldnt worry about it, that everything will work out. But for the past year I've been going out wiht a girl named Ashley, when we were first going out I was in such love. I would have given up everything for her, I would have ran off a bridge to see her for a couple minutes. I still have many poems and stories and things Ive bought her, *big sigh* I know, it sounds like I broke up with her or vice verca right? Well no, we are still together. There has always been so much between us, always. I never knew what to do, I've been told by everyone I know, even if i didn't want to be, that "You tried dude.." Or, "It's not your fault! You gave it your all" And stuff when I feel if I DO break up with her, I will be giving up on her and therefor, saying she isn't good enough. She is its just....I have none of the feelings I did before. She..it has felt like Ive been a showboat, something to say you have but you keep it in the back of the closet.

Well..no guys, thats not all. Im such a bad person, I am, I have been talking to this other girl...Rowan. We met a long time ago on a forum website and..*shrug* she spoke of many things that sounded beautiful. She was Wiccan back then, and I had felt a pull toward her, and what she said. I felt soo bad about it but I eventually ended up telling this new girl that I loved her, I didn't lie. Now it's in the exact same position it has been....and I have ever since then felt like I don't desirve to breath doing this to two girls. One, I feel I shouldnt give up on but...now...I do realize I should break up with her regardless of what nonesence pops into my head, Ive been doing teriable things and we just dont have a connection like we used to. Its easy to see that now. And Rowan...we also have drifted, but we still tell eachother we love eachother. (Rowan does know about Ashley by the way)

Any way, yes, I am a bad person. Please no scolding..I think Ive done that enough. But this will be settled. For some reason...I can sit down and instantly be in a calm point of mind and be able to think about it clearly. *Thanks the Lord and Lady* And also, I really...Im still not in a bad mood. Its like I realize the problem now, and Im willing to fix it knowing the Goddess and God are right there inside me helping me.

New topic! I have told my best friends girl friend about my path, she loves it. I told her a week ago and ever since she has researched and totally gets it! We spend like two hours on the phone talking about the outside and how wonderful the Goddess and God are! Makes me feel wonderful that Im not alone in my path. Now her boyfriend, my best friend, is has been thinking about it for awhile and has said that he really likes it. Im not recruiting for information, I have just told others of my path. Never have I said, "You should really do this!" or any of the sort. Their path is their choice. Anyway, its been going really good and my friends have started to really enjoy my company now and they say they love the change in me! But I also have two Luthrine (cant spell) friends who always make fun of pagans...I havnt told them yet...I dont know. They have always been there for me but I will tell them soon. Anyway, thanks for hangin in there to hear me vent! You guys rock!

Goddess Bless

I just realized, Beltane is soon. Great, another beautiful celebration passing me up with no way for me to go and celabrate with others. I feel so trapped and if my father found out that I would want to go I would be locked in my room. Gah...why must I be seperated from my God and Goddess? I know I will never really be seperated but...I crave to be there and celebrate with others. My heart pangs but deep inside I know I will have another chance.

Goddess Bless